The Best Nightmare
by Ra-ooo
Summary: Smoker winds up on board the Straw Hat crew's ship, and Zoro sleeps through the whole thing. One shot, SmokerxSanji, R&R please!


_Hey everybody! This is my second fic, and my first One Piece fic! I hope you all enjoy it! It's supposed to be comedy, so keep that in mind, and feel free to laugh! R&R, tell me what you think, the good the bad and anything else you want to bring to my attention! Bye!_

* * *

Smoker was lying in his bed at the Marines Headquarters, when he felt something was wrong. He woke up slowly, rubbed his eyes, and looked around the dark room groggily. He didn't see anything, so he lay back down and closed his eyes. Suddenly his eyes snapped open and he sat bolt upright. He looked at the figure standing right beside his bed. It was Sanji.

"Hey," Sanji said. "Good to see you're so awake."

"You're the chef from the Straw Hat crew," Smoker growled. "How did you get in here? Weren't there guards or officers outside? How the hell did you get past them?"

"Luffy took care of most of them," Sanji replied. He motioned behind Smoker, who turned and saw the rest of the Straw Hat crew, except Zoro because he was still asleep. Smoker was not at all pleased.

"How did you all get in here?!" he barked at them. Luffy grinned.

"It was easy," he said. "Just as long as you cover their mouths, they don't make any noise."

"But that's not what you should be worried about," Sanji added. "You should be worrying about yourself."

Chopper jumped on Smoker's head from behind and put a sack over it.

"What the hell?!" Smoker yelled. "Get that blue-nosed freak off of me!"

"Hey!" Chopper said, and he rammed Smoker in the back of the head and knocked him out.

"Good job!" Luffy declared. "Let's get him back to the ship!"

_..later.._

Smoker woke up when it was still dark. There was a dull pain in the back of his head. He looked up to see stars and a sail. He looked down to find himself tied to the mast. He looked ahead to see Zoro, sleeping right in front of him. If Zoro had been any closer Smoker would have been able to kick him in the throat. And he wanted to really badly.

Sanji came sauntering over.

"Good evening," he said. Smoker glared at him. "I hope you're enjoying your stay."

"Why did you bring me here?" Smoker growled. "What do you want?"

"I myself do not know," Sanji said. "Lately Luffy's been acting more like a pirate than a Luffy. He said we should kidnap someone from the Navy for a couple days. But don't worry, he's not gonna kill you or anything. Or at least, I don't think he will."

"It doesn't matter if he plans to or not," Smoker said. "I'm getting out of here." He turned into smoke and escaped from his bonds, but Sanji switched on a huge fan Smoker hadn't seen, and he was blown off the ship and over the water. He changed back and fell in with a big splash.

"Don't try anything funny," Sanji said after Smoker had surfaced. "I ought to just leave you there. Let you swim for it. But the captain might get mad at me."

Sanji threw Smoker a lifesaver, and he reluctantly hung on to it as Sanji pulled him aboard.

"Hey wait a second," Smoker mumbled. "This is a Marines lifesaver! What the hell are you pirates doing with it?!"

"Calm down, Smokey," Sanji said, and he put his foot to Smoker's chest. "As long as you're on board our ship, I suggest you do things our way. It's not like lifesavers are free. And the way our crew is, we need as many of these as we can get. Now come on. I'll show you your accommodations." Then he added, "In the brig."

He led Smoker to his own room.

"This doesn't look like a brig to me," Smoker mumbled.

"Well, it's not," Sanji said. "I realized we don't have a brig. So I'll just lock you here in my room."

"You don't have a brig but you have your very own room," Smoker mumbled. "You're treating me more like a guest than a prisoner, giving up your room for me."

"Well, this works out for me, too," Sanji said. "If you're in here, then I get to sleep in the girls' room!"

Sanji started to turn around when he slipped in the puddle Smoker had made on the floor, and he fell into Smoker. He couldn't help but feel how big Smoker's muscles were. He looked up into Smoker's face.

"Some sea legs.." Smoker mumbled. He stood Sanji up.

"Sorry," Sanji said embarrassedly. "That reminds me, you oughta get out of those clothes. You'll catch a cold or something."

"Oh yeah.." Smoker mumbled. He turned his back on Sanji and started pulling off his wet clothes. There was only a lantern lighting the room, but the light it gave off glistened off the water on Smoker's bare back. Then he bent over to get his boots, and Sanji found himself staring at the most glorious ass he'd ever seen.

Smoker stood back up and handed his clothes to Sanji.

"You got any more of those cigarettes?" Smoker asked.

"Oh, yeah. Sure," Sanji gave one to Smoker. He put it in his mouth and reached in his pocket, but his matches had been soaked all the way through.

"You got anything to light this with?" Smoker asked.

"Yeah," Sanji said. He pulled a matchbox out of his pocket and lit one on his shoe. Then he held it up and Smoker lit his cigarette with it. He took in a deep breath. Sanji felt his face becoming hot as he watched Smoker, his chest rising slowly as he breathed in, the calm look on his face.

"Uh... what about your pants?" Sanji asked. Smoker looked down at his pants, which were sopping wet.

"What about 'em?" Smoker asked.

"They're all wet," Sanji said. "They'll get you sick." Smoker stared at Sanji as he took a long puff on his cigarette. Then he took them off and gave them to Sanji.

"What about your shorts?" Sanji asked.

"I don't like to sleep naked," Smoker growled.

"Oh.. All right," Sanji said, he started backing slowly towards the door. "If you need anything, you know, just call. I'll be happy to assist you."

"Yeah, yeah," Smoker mumbled.

"And if you get hungry or anything, I'd be more than happy to whip you up whatever you like."

"All right..."

"So... I'll have your clothes back once they're dried."

"Whatever."

"Okay... Oh! And.."

"Just get out of here already," Smoker growled.

"Oh! Sorry!" Sanji said. He grinned. "Goodnight!" Smoker didn't reply, but he only stared with his usual stare. Sanji closed the door behind him. He could feel how hot his face had become.

_..fwoosh.._

A couple of hours later, Sanji found himself back at the door to his room, where Smoker was. He quietly opened the door and peeked in. The whole room was dark, and he could barely make out Smoker lying on the small bed, asleep. Sanji silently crept over to him and stood over the bed.

'Why am I feeling like this?' he asked himself. 'I only feel like this around a lady, and never this strongly. Smoker is definitely not a lady. He's everything but a lady.'

Sanji took Smoker's hand gently, entwining his fingers with Smoker's. He leaned down over him. Smoker groaned, then opened his eyes to find Sanji's face just inches from his. He pulled his hand free of Sanji's and just glared.

"What do you want?" Smoker growled. Sanji quickly stood up straight.

"Uh.. Nothing!" Sanji quickly said. "Just uh... you know.. Checking in... make sure you're not planning anything!"

I'm _not _planning anything," Smoker growled. "I'm sleeping. Now leave me alone."

Smoker turned his back to Sanji and pulled up his blanket to his chin.

"Sure..." Sanji said, a little downtrodden. "Sorry about that. Just had to check in on you..."

Sanji left, and Smoker went back to sleep.

_..dudun.._

Smoker woke up a little while later. He grumbled and slowly opened his eyes, then looked down at himself. Sanji was there, lying on top of him with his head resting on Smoker's chest. Smoker was speechless.

"Ah! What the hell?! Get off me you bastard!"

"But darling," Sanji replied, looking up at him. "I love you." He wrapped his arms around Smoker's neck and pulled himself up, then kissed him.

Smoker woke up with a start to find himself back in his own bed at the Marines HQ.

"Oh.. It was just a dream..." Smoker sighed with relief.

"What was that, honey?" came Sanji's voice from behind him. Smoker turned around as quickly as he could. Sanji was indeed lying behind him, out of breath and smiling.

"What the hell?!" Smoker yelled. "Get out of my bed you son of a bitch!!"

"What's the matter?" Sanji asked. "You were enjoying yourself while you were asleep."

Luffy woke up. He rubbed his eyes and looked around himself.

'What a weird dream,' he thought to himself. 'Sanji... and Smoker...? I wonder what they were doing?' Then he felt his stomach growl.

"That reminds me!" Luffy said aloud. "Sanji! Sanji!! Sanji!!!"

"..What..?" came Sanji's groggy voice from somewhere.

"Sanji! I'm hungry!" Luffy yelled. "Make me breakfast!"

"What?! It's the middle of the night!"

"But I'm hungry now! Sanji! Make breakfast!"

"I'm not making breakfast when it's not breakfast time! Now shut your damn face and let me sleep!"

"Captain's orders!" Luffy yelled angrily.

"You can take that captain title and shove it up your ass," Sanji yelled back. "I'm not making breakfast in the middle of the night!"

Luffy pulled up his covers with a "hmpf", then went back to sleep. And somewhere over the ocean, Smoker woke up with a yell.

"Whoa," he mumbled to himself. "I'd better get back to the American dub before something like that actually happens..."

So with that, he donned his Chaser alias and headed back to the dub, where any same-sex romance was completely unheard of, and people didn't die or even bleed, all the guns are green, there's no such thing as alcohol or cigarettes, and Don Krieg shoots poisonous Nerf darts.

The End


End file.
